(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) August 5th 2016 weekend...

Good morning everyone. I hope you're all enduring the summer heat well enough, and enjoying you're rides as well......
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Information....

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number
of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Mary Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station
for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Mary is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal
and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Mary your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Mary Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit around here."

And of course a few eye twisting visuals.....

Wish I'd Said That.....

We the unwilling, working for the ungrateful, are doing
the impossible. We have done so much, for so long,
with so little, we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing

You spend your whole life believing that you're on the
right track, only to discover that you're on the wrong train.

I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to
be deaf, dumb, and stupid ?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can
not change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to
kill because they ticked me off.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't." -- Erica Jong

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any
problem, it is generally employed only by small
children and large nations."
-- David Friedman

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
next exit."
-- Unknown

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to
complain."
-- Lily Tomlin

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country
are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
-- George Burns

What I've Learned...

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent
Night" - Age 6

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either- Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what
they are doing and wave back - Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me
clean it up again - Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up - Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my
parents are strict with me - Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of
advice - Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great
pleasures - Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed
me there - Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live
so that no one will believe it - Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know
how to show it - Age 42

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a
little note - Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his
or her need to cast blame on others - Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies - Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life
does go on, and it will be better tomorrow - Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours -
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the
phone - Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles
these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree
lights - Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet
full of pills - Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you
miss them terribly after they die - Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life -
Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children,
work to improve your marriage - Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance - Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on
both hands You need to be able to throw something back - Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you But if you
focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people,
and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you - Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually
make the right decision - Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer - Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles And to tell the truth,
I've seen several - Age 75

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one - Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone People
love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on
the back - Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn - Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile - Ageless

The price of advice .....

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

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(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) August 5th 2016 weekend...